Why We Stop Being Ourselves & How To Get Back

Last week, I crashed in on myself, resentful of the way I was created and who I am. I let it come, fell to the depths and washed away in it. When I calmed, I learned that while this is what makes me so complicated and intense-it is also responsible for everything that’s also wonderful.

Perhaps only when I attempt to disavow this nature within me, does it become something venomous to life around me. Perhaps if I let it flow without my judgement, the alignment will fix every complication I have. Perhaps our only work is finding the way back to who we were, leading it out from behind all the barriers we tried to hide it with and letting IT lead the way.

Perhaps the only reason our lives ever run crossways of the life we dream, is because we are not living as ourselves, so we live lives that are not ours and resign the life that is ours… to our dreams. A trade. Your authenticity for belonging.

I don’t fit *anywhere* when I view myself from the keyhole. I don’t belong, and have never belonged, anywhere here. I literally used to hate this. I had rotating groups of friends and spent most days on the fringe with those trying to find themselves or those who voluntarily lost themselves.

I used to hate all the movement, I wanted evergreen and stability. The stability would have come if I’d held onto myself and rooted in that instead of looking for roots in the faces of what I felt I needed to belong to.

I am only too much to the limits. I am only too wild for the shore. I am only too colorful for the evergreen.

Perhaps my discontent is my gift. After all, what is discontent but a curiosity you don’t follow? Follow your heart to heal it.

How could you LOVE the thing about you that you once tried to hide away?

Listen to the full podcast here.

Originally published at https://www.karapayton.com on December 15, 2021.