“Ghosting” & Emotional Abandonment
Being discarded by narcissist & ghosted is confusing to the nervous system
One of the trickiest reasons it’s so hard for someone to get over both ghosting or being discarded by the narcissist, is how confusing, painful, and offsetting it is to our mind, emotions, and nervous system.
We can’t figure it out in the mind, it is causing total disrupt in the emotions, and the nervous system is completely hijacked thinking it’s trying to survive. And to your nervous system, it is. It’s losing attachment and is sounding all the alarm bells. It’s looking for shore of any kind, to find order in all the chaos.
We’re waiting in a state of agony, for a breadcrumb of information or hope that would give us permission to release the fight, flight or freeze, and go back to being okay. It’s dependent entirely on them. This is a look into the destructive side of codependency. Everything we experience is hinged on their words, action, behavior.
If we’re anxious, we don’t want to make the wrong call, say the wrong words, or do the wrong thing in case they send us a sign of hope that attachment is still there. If we’re avoidant, it’s the need to preserve, retreat, needing to stall the reality or deny it outright. OR if we’re anxious/avoidant together, it’s the sprint for the kill switch in a “kill or be killed” reflex to dish out rejection first before it’s coming our way.
The confusion, pain, & suffering comes from the in between, the limbo, the indecision.
So the clarity, ease, & peace will come from its opposite.
If you need an answer, give it to yourself. If you need clarity, clear yourself of the confusion by making a decision with the information you have now.
The answers, signals, & information all come from you and you have enough to make a decision, even if it is a micro decision.
You’re allowing someone else to have undeserved power over you. You’ve handed them the key to your nervous system, and that should always be with you. The only kind of person who wants that key or power over you only has the capacity to exploit it. There is no other purpose for having that key other than emotional prostitution.
The peace that you seek from closure comes from you making the decision to settle the matter in your heart and let it go. This is hard because we’re wired to connect and if we can’t connect, we’ll settle for attachment and we’re literally destroying that attachment, which to an emotionally addicted or codependent person feels like death.
Why? Because we’ve emptied ourselves to invest in the other person, we’re an empty shell with little to no pieces of who we are to keep us grounded. So if the other person leaves, what’s left? They left themselves, and now the other person has left too. We would rather be attached than to be emotionally hollowed and left to facing our inner landscape that is now barren, and dead. There are no pieces of ourselves left to map a true north with and navigate our way back.
How do I know all this? I lived this experience on loop. I would spend entire work days binge-watching YouTube to try and understand my partner so I could say the right things, get them to choose me, help save or fix them, make sense of all of it and get my relationship back. I didn’t care that I was empty, I just wanted my attachment back. And then I ended up on the other side of a hotline and knew this was going to kill me if I didn’t end the cycle.
The only problem was, every workshop, therapy session, online course, or YouTube video focused on the side of the diagnosis, analyzing the other person, explaining the relationship cycle, and giving you all the signs. NOT ONE of them helped ME, the one who was stuck in it, addicted to it, lost in it. It didn’t help to know the stages I was going through if I couldn’t get OUT of it. No one talked about HOW TO LEAVE when it felt impossible. What I was missing to end the magnetism so I didn’t WANT these people anymore. What good is it to tell someone where they are if you aren’t going to give them a map? It felt like everyone told me I was falling off a cliff and then saying, “it’s important to land on your feet.” Thanks, any tips on how to not die when I do? No? Oh. I followed countless big names, with large followings, who spoke my language and painted my pain to me with the exact colors I saw, then I’d sign up and walk the same sidewalk that just seemed to STOP abruptly at the part where I felt guidance about MY healing process should be. It all stopped at explaining logically what was happening and I knew that inside & out by this point.
Fast forward years into my healing after giving up on all the gimmicks and click bait webinars, it dawned on me that I had broken free at some point. But I noticed, in the world, there were still people just like me who desperately wanted out but couldn’t find the right tool, guide, practice, or answer. I wasn’t at first altogether jazzed about the idea of revisiting those lessons, breakthroughs, and hard truths, but I knew I’d discovered my way out. Remembering the pain of what it felt like to live in such an all-consuming apathy, depression, and emptiness is ultimately what fueled me to gather it all in one place. I’m SO glad I did.
The freedom this course grants people, the lives it’s changed, and the hearts its healed, has been infinitely more rewarding than anything I’ve ever accomplished. The first half definitely helps lay the foundation of understanding how we get caught up in these dynamics and dissecting all the things we don’t understand when we’re in them, but it all ties into how YOU personally. You dive into you. You learn you. You explore you. You discover you. You heal you.
No more buzzwords, hyperbole, or stalling around the bullseye. We go deep and expose the core. It’s cheaper than a single therapy session and ten times as impactful as a year of sessions. It’s not just for narcissistic abuse, but for anyone who struggles with codependency, has one-sided relationships, emotional/love addiction, loses themselves in a relationship, attaches too quickly, is chronically stuck in toxic dynamics, is always in a ‘love crisis,’ and just wants to find the “real deal.” I can say it because I lived it, I did this myself.
I’m proud of this course, it is personal, it’s a ‘life’s work’ legacy type of project and I only intend to add to it as more corners are lit, and the community grows.
If you want the change, the doorway is here, and I’m really grateful to be the one to help you walk through it. I’ll see you on the other side.
Visit the courses tab at karapayton.com to get started.
In your corner,
XX
Kara
